I have been around a lot of family members lately–some blood related, some not.
I have always felt that having discretion, standards, and boundaries are all very important.
Some observations that I have made during my holiday visits really placed a magnifying glass incredibly judgmental people.
I have noticed that many judgmental people don’t have much discretion or good boundaries. Many who are judgmental tend to want everyone to like them, can most times welcome unhealthy people into their lives, yet can vilify others so readily. They welcome unhealthy people into their lives because those unhealthy people won’t put standards or boundaries on them. They won’t hold them accountable. My definition of judgmental people are those who constantly cut others down to make themselves feel better, as well as being harsh and judgmental towards a certain kind, sex, or orientation of people.
For example, women who constantly put down other women, yet are complementary to men are judgmental. They, in my opinion, are also very hurt people. The saying, hurt people, hurt people has never rung so true. Why do some women feel the need to say something derogatory to every woman they encounter? What saddens me and alarms me is that I see it amongst mothers and their daughters. I am quite lucky, my Mother has mostly always been incredibly positive and doesn’t cut me down. I think some women, and I’m sure men, too, don’t completely feel good about themselves so they feel the need to make cutting remarks to others to boost themselves. It’s silly, hurtful, unnecessary, and doesn’t address, or heal any problems, nor does it address the root of it all–insecurity and inadequacy. We all have insecurities and at times can feel inadequate. These feelings of insecurity and inadequacy are not anyone else’s problems, but ours. No one should project those ill feelings onto others.
When I hear others constantly outwardly and opening criticizing and belittling others it makes me want to cringe. If you feel the need to do that—perhaps follow the old adage—if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it at all.
Discretion—to me, is choosing carefully with whom you choose to surround yourself, based on behaviors and evidence. If you choose not to befriend a drug addict, that is discretion. This doesn’t mean you vilify, demean, or insult them. It means you choose to set boundaries with that person due to not welcoming unhealthy or harmful behaviors in your life. If you choose to not spend much time with with someone who constantly gossips about others and demeans others, you are using discretion. You, in turn, do not gossip about them, You just choose to surround yourself with those who: can talk about other things, aren’t gossip Kings/Queens, and those who are accountable and have boundaries.
None of us is perfect, as we should always strive to learn and to grow. The next time you feel insecure or inadequate, stop, take a deep breath, and think about the judgement you might want to place on another. Instead of belittling someone else, realize that one’s value, beauty, worth, intelligence, doesn’t diminish yours. You are both lovely and equally deserving of love, understanding, recognition, and your value is not contingent on others. It’s contingent on how you feel about yourself.