I had a conversation with a male recently that really triggered me. He is naïve, and has no idea the magnitude of hurt and assault that women routinely experience. He said one of the real problems with assault is that a lot of women like for men to come on strong and then get upset when they don’t. First of all, there are variations of coming on strong. Second, coming on strong doesn’t mean assaulting her. If you are a man, I think it would be best to err on the side of caution. If a woman tells you that she wants you to come on strong and that she wants you to grab and throw her on the ground and grope her, that’s a different story. However, it would behoove men to act maturely and wait to know a woman’s preference. Or, for heaven’s sake, just ask her! Maybe tell her that you are really attracted to her and want to come on strong, but don’t want to be disrespectful. Any mature woman will appreciate this space and the choice. The male with whom I had the conversation even eluded to the fact that he thought he couldn’t be “man enough” if he couldn’t be somewhat misogynistic. In my opinion, he needs to change his views on what being a man and being “man enough” is. I don’t really think he knows, and I don’t think he’s had good examples, either.
I am a strong believer in surrounding yourself with people who challenge you in a positive way, help you to grow, and who value ethics, values, and boundaries. My grandmother always said that choosing good friends and the people with whom you choose to surround yourself reveal a lot about your own character. If the men with whom other men surround themselves are constantly viewing porn, cat calling women, leering, and ogling, then maybe they should surround themselves with other men. There are plenty of men who value women as human beings, recognizing their character, intelligence, etc—-not just as pieces of meat that they salivate to.
The whole dick masturbation acts by Louis CK trigger memories for me. I will never understand how men think that showing a woman a hard on is special and that it will turn women on…?? Also, whipping out your dick and masturbating in front of them won’t either. NO, it won’t. You think a hard on is special?? WE know it’s not. Men can get a hard on from seeing a bra strap, from the wind, from seeing a leg, from imagining any woman naked. Don’t fricking show me your hard on and think that I feel special because you have one. Jesus! Emotionally connect with me and show me that you see and understand my value and worth as an intellectual human being—NOW THAT will turn me on. Try paying attention to me without having to crane your neck at every woman who walks in your path. Try not leering incessantly at the teenagers (ICK!)around you. NOW that would impress me and make me feel more intimate towards you. For Fuck’s sake.
Excuse my profanity. My grandmother would be very disappointed in me for my use of profane words. She was an English teacher and always told me that if you used a lot of curse words it’s because you don’t have a good vocabulary. Well, I accept right now that I am choosing to not showcase my best use of the English language.
Men and their dicks. I have read every Freudian study on men and their obsession with their cocks. I try to get it. Men don’t stop, though. It doesn’t matter if they’re married, have children, have concubines……..they’re always looking for another woman to put their dicks in and to show them their dicks. I have a friend whose husband professed his undying attraction to me (I never spoke to him again after this and was horrified), by taking my hand and putting it on his hard on to “show” me how attracted he was to me. Attracted!!!! He was married to my friend who was pregnant with their second child at the time. How dare he! I have removed myself from their lives, and he put me in a horrible position, was completely disrespectful to his wife and to me, and didn’t value his family enough. Pathetic. It enraged me. First of all, I’d never cross a boundary with a friend’s significant other, or any married person. Second, even if both of us had been single, I would have still been mortified and not flattered by him grabbing my hand and putting it on his cock. Jesus. It doesn’t end.
I often times wish all of the inappropriate experiences that I’ve had to endure and all the ones that I am reading about now from others was some awful nightmare, and that I’d wake up and realize that it’s not my, or their reality. However, it is, and has been for so many women and I for the majority of our lives. I just want it to stop. I just want it to stop. I just want to be human and valued for who I am, to be treated respectfully, to be treated appropriately, and to be around men who are decent humans—not raving, out of control, hormonal pigs. Just for one day, at least. I’d love it for the rest of my life, but I know that won’t happen. I’d like for one day to not hear or to not experience that anyone was ogled, that no one was leered at, that no one was violently assaulted, that no one had had to experience a random dude licking his lips at her, or whipping his dick out in front her, uninvited. IS this really too much to ask? Seriously??!!! Tears of hurt, anger, and sadness envelop my soul and every ounce of my being. I am tired, tired of having to be defensive, tired of men behaving disrespectfully, tired of having to point out to men when they are acting inappropriately, tired of excuses being made for men, tired of being dismissed and silenced, and tired of feeling like I am candy and men want to eat me. I just want to be. Peacefully. To Just be.