Right now I am dealing with overwhelming feelings of anger, hurt, resentment, and fury. How do I not allow my own pain from past harassments and assaults, plus the pain of the stories of all the women who have come forward with their own stories not consume me? I feel obsessed with reading the latest stories regarding women and men coming forward with their abuse stories. With each reading, I become outraged again and again.
I am angry that we women (and some men, too) have had to endure endless pain, silencing, and abuse. I am worried that companies and powerful people and institutions will just “appear” to care now, then resume their normal “look the other way” behavior once the “storm” has passed. Isn’t that the way our society reacts and acts most of the time? It’s temperamental, impatient, and apathetic. I am thankful for the women who are in powerful positions that are standing up for us. People will listen to them—hopefully change will continue. I am so angry. Why do women have to endure what they do? Why do they have to experience such filthy behavior? Why do they have to be patient with men while they try not to be fucking creepers. I sound like a man hater. I’m not. Though, lately, I have had moments of feeling complete vitriol towards all men. I know this is unfair, but it’s true—and let’s face it, what in life is fair??
How does one not become mired in hate, rage, and anger? I spent six years in counseling after my assault to come to a place where I felt more at peace and love for all. These current occurrences have violently ripped stitches from my heart and reopened my wounds. I feel as if I am bleeding to death. Perhaps I should go back to counseling? Find a support group? Or……maybe I should just be kind and gentle and understanding with myself and realize that it’s okay to be furious right now. I will try to make something positive come from all this tragedy. I’ll try.